Some time around mid-July I realized that something was not quite right. I found myself struggling to sleep at night, I was skipping workouts and I was eating a ridiculous amount of food, sometimes to the point of feeling sick. My weight was creeping up and my energy level was lagging. I often found myself in tears, sometimes for no apparent reason. With my 50th birthday just around the corner I convinced myself that all these symptoms were just a part of getting older and that I would have to adjust to the “new me.”

Preparing for the big 5-0 and the celebrations surrounding the big day helped me rally for a bit, but by the end of August, I knew something wasn’t right. I finally decided to listen to that little voice in my head that was getting louder by the day and was trying very hard to tell me that I knew exactly what was going on and it had nothing to do with turning 50. I was not yet in a full blown depression, but the symptoms were there and I needed to do something quick or I was going to be in trouble. You see, I had had a very serious depression about 20 years ago and it was brutal. It impacted not only me, but my husband and two young children.

I have to say that the last twenty years have not always been easy, but I have been able to cope with whatever came my way. Unfortunately circumstances beyond my control began to infringe on the peace of mind I had worked so hard for twenty years ago-the death of a friend, the serious illness of another, seeing another friend grieve over the loss of her beloved husband, the suicide of an amazing young man, etc. I could go on, but you get the idea-lots of heavy stuff weighing on my mind.

Luckily I got the help I needed 20 years ago and came away with some strategies to use when I felt the darkness creeping in. I am not back to 100%, but I have spent some time writing about my feelings and giving myself permission to cry. I talk to my husband…a lot! Most importantly though, I decided to share my struggle with people outside of my family. Allowing others to see me at my most vulnerable is terrifying, but sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and believe in the goodness of others. You see, the biggest difference between 20 year old Kareen and 50 year old Kareen is the people I have surrounding me. I have a truly amazing tribe and I am grateful for every one of you. Thank you for helping me keep the darkness at bay.

I started running about 17 years ago to help with weight loss. Most of those runs were solitary runs. At the time, none of my friends ran and I was not aware of any groups to join. For the next 10 years, I ran off and on. Sometimes I would stop for a few weeks and other times I would stop for a few years. I never even considered a race until January of 2012 when I was inspired by my daughter who ran XC and track for Lake Braddock. After surviving my first race I was hooked and decided to do one race a month. For most of these early races, my husband ran with me, but after urging from a friend, in September of that year I decided to join the 101 program at Potomac River Running in Burke. I was terrified to get started, but my daughter had just left for college and I was ready to branch out and meet some new people. Little did I know what a life altering decision signing up for that program would be!

I was immediately hooked on the people and the different workouts which helped improve my running immensely. Over time, many of these people have become a second family to me. They are the people I go to when I want to celebrate and they are the people I go to when I need a shoulder to cry on or words of encouragement. They have supported me through the first years of being an empty nester and gave me encouragement to make a job change that I had been contemplating for years. Two of these amazing people sat by my side at the funeral of a dear friend who they didn’t really know, but they came anyway because they knew I needed them. Most importantly, my =PR=running family gave me the confidence to get certified and start coaching others.

Other than taking the plunge and marrying my husband, no other decision I have made has had a greater impact on me. I’m fitter and healthier than I ever was when I was younger. I am happier and more confident and I have an extended family that I would not give up for anything! My “Best Running Family” is always expanding and for that I am grateful. You can never have too much family, right?

I have recently found myself watching someone I care about make what I believe to be, a terrible mistake. After many sleepless nights and probably too many glasses of wine I have come up with more questions than answers.

First, who am I to decide that this person is making a mistake? Is it fair that I make the assumption that my friend’s personal judgement is flawed and that he or she is not capable of making appropriate decisions for their life?

What will be the impact on our relationship if I do not speak up? Is it better to keep my mouth shut and be ready to offer support when things go horribly wrong, as I believe they will, or is it better to speak up now and risk alienating someone who is very important to me?

What will the consequences be if I stand by and watch my friend make this mistake? Is it a mistake they can easily come back from or is it something that may alter their life in a negative way for the long term?

These are the big questions I have come up with, but there are many smaller, less impactful ones as well. The bottom line is that people in our lives often make questionable decisions that are painful to watch for those who love them. Sometimes if it becomes too painful for you personally, you have to make the decision to step away, but if the relationship is truly important to you, leave the door open.

I think that anytime you hit a milestone birthday it causes you to reflect on your life. This year, leading up to my birthday,  I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I want for my next decade and making changes that will allow me to reach my goals.

The change with the most impact was the decision to leave my job after 15 years. I had become increasingly unhappy and that unhappiness began to change me as a person. I try hard to wake up every morning looking at the day as another opportunity to be kind and make the world a better place, but my frustration and anger were causing me to become someone I no longer recognized and didn’t particularly like.

Even with these bad feelings, it was not an easy decision to make. I was very comfortable in my position and loved the children and my amazing partner. I knew what I wanted to move on to, but I questioned if I could be successful. The thought of starting a new chapter at this point in my life was scary, but eventually, with a lot of reflection, I realized it was time.

I know that not everyone can leave a career because they are unhappy, but I am fortunate because my husband has provided me with the opportunity and the support to try something new. It’s still a bit scary, and I have no idea what this next decade will hold for me, but one thing I do know is that I will wake up every morning with the plan to be kind and to make the world a better place!

I woke up this morning with an unexpected free day ahead of me. What a gift! I decided to get my day started with some strength training and since I would be wearing Skirt Sports I decided to take a few pictures so that I could earn some challenge points.

After my warm up I got started with some rows. My camera was set to go off in 10 seconds so I went about my business with the hope that one of the 10 pictures taken would be good enough for the challenge. I didn’t look at the pictures until I was done with my entire workout. A workout which included doing three pull-ups with some jump assistance when I couldn’t even do one just a few months ago. A workout that I finished feeling strong and happy…until I looked at the pictures I had taken. The one you see attached to this post is the first one I saw. I don’t know what you might see when you look at this picture, but the first thing I saw was cellulite, stretch marks and thighs that just don’t seem to shrink, no matter how much weight I might loose. Suddenly, I wasn’t feeling as happy or proud of my progress.

Luckily, I caught myself before spiraling too far into some seriously unkind self talk. At this moment in my life I am probably happier, stronger (both physically and mentally), fitter and healthier than I have ever been, yet I was going to allow a picture to overshadow all that. It’s important to remember that we deserve kindness not just from others, but ourselves. If I was looking at a similar picture of someone else, I would see someone who is working hard to be strong and healthy and I would be full of encouragement and support. I need to remember to not just be a cheerleader for others, but I need to be my own biggest cheerleader!

On Fathers Day we were lucky enough to have both children home for a few hours. During their visit, my upcoming birthday came up. I began talking about my plans for the party-date, time, food, cake, color theme, etc. They both listened attentively because even though I was making the plans, they know they, along with their dad, will be implementing them! When I mentioned a “two-tiered cake,” my daughter looked at me and said, “You’re having a two-tiered cake?” Immediately I started getting a bit defensive and explaining that it was only going to be a small two-tired cake, surrounded by cupcakes. Sensing my defensiveness she immediately explained that it wasn’t so long ago that I would not have even thought of having such a cake. She went on to explain that I am much happier and more confident now. I have to admit that I got a little bit teary, but I am so grateful that she has recognized the transformation that my life has taken over the years.

My childhood left me with a lot of negative feelings about myself and an eventual diagnosis of PTSD. I have been very fortunate though. Each time I felt that I just could not go on, someone came along, gave me hope and let me know that I had value. Many times it was a teacher, other times it was the parent of a friend. As I got older many of these special people became dear friends and others only stayed for a short time. The best of these people was a boy I met in college who eventually became my boyfriend and then my husband. I am still not sure that he really knew what he was getting into all those yeas ago, but I am so grateful he took a chance on me!

My transformation to happy and confident did not happen overnight. It happened because each of these people took the time to build me up when I most needed it. I have no doubt that without these people I would not be here today. And I don’t just mean here, living this wonderful life. I mean here on this earth.

Sorry if this is a bit rambling, but my point is that we are all worthy of a two-tiered birthday cake! If there are voices around you that are making you feel differently, shut them off and move towards the light and the sound of those who are singing your praises and building you up!

Yesterday I did my first run of my new training cycle. My plan was to do six miles-5 miles with negative splits(getting progressively faster each mile) followed by a one mile cool down. When I wrote up my twelve week training plan I spent a lot of time on it. I wrote down every run I plan to do and what I hoped to achieve with each run. The problem is that I looked at the big picture, but I didn’t spend much time on what I needed to do to achieve my goals for each individual run. This lack of attention to detail resulted in a run that did not go as planned.

As is so often the case, running is often a metaphor for life, and this particular instance is no different. Too often we look at the big plan, but we forget the little details along the way that will help us actually achieve our goal. When you have a big goal, you know you need to break it up into smaller goals, but sometimes we lose sight of what it is going to take to achieve each of those mini goals that will eventually lead to our success. If success in some aspect of your life is alluding you, maybe it’s time to get down to the nitty gritty and spend some time concentrating on the smaller details.

That’s my plan and I am hoping a little more attention to detail will help my next run go much better!

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton